Friday, February 25, 2011

Rhyme 13

I am what I am
Nothing more, nothing less
Who can guess
Who I'll be in the morning
I am a shooting star
I fly far into the heavens
There was never
A time I wouldn't fly to you
I am a winter breeze
Across the seas and through the trees
Can't help but tease
Because my soul is made of ice
I am a candle's flame
Going insane with the heat
Watch me eat
Consume this god forsaken city
I am flesh and skin
Wearing thin, the barrier's breaking
As I'm waking
To the truth of reality
I am a little girl
Hair in curls and makeup on
Singing pop songs
In the backseat of my mama's car
I am piece of life
A simple slice of a larger pie
And when I die
I know the baker will be waiting

Rhyme 12

I will always miss
Stealing a kiss
The warmth of a hug
My vice and my drug
Will I ever be right?
It is not me tonight
Dreams did come true
But I lost them to you
Battled the rough
And I'm still not enough
Only a fraction or piece
So it must cease
Throw it into the void
Like I'm an old broken toy
While falling, I cry
It's all in your eyes
Because I'm still lost
In that iris that cost
My heart and my soul
For a love that's not whole
I wish I could see
When you were happy with me
But it couldn't last
And what's past is past
So in this dim light
I gaze at you tonight
And know that it's true
There's not a thing I can do

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Rhyme 11

I never knew just how to view
The world as it surrounds me
I cannot see for the life of me
How I can survive
I don't belong, I'm not that strong
So many could do better
There's nothing left, only regret
And no one there to spare me
From my fate as I reach the gate
The flames there will consume me
They will melt all that I've felt
And the whole world will be free
I can never go back once I extract
My being from existence
But I will flow wherever you go
In spirit and in soul
And in lights so bright, you may catch sight
Of an iridescent glow
This is me, now I am free
And the world makes sense at last

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Title 8

I scrape my nails belligerently against the murky slate walls. Every muscle from my fingertips to my forearms is flexed, in danger of snapping from the tension. I scream, raking blood crusted fingers through my hair and squeezing until it rips out in clumps. Soft white noise crackles out of the loudspeaker. Number one-twenty-four, this is your first and only warning. Please comply with Sanction six-sixty-two: absolutely NO unnecessary or excessive noise. I stare at the metal grating several feet up the wall. I stare at the box that has just scolded me. I stare at my master. I compress all of my tension into one solid fist. I take that fist and begin bashing it against every part of my body. I assault my other arm and my chest until I pound against my sternum, sharply banishing the breath from my lungs. I inhale too quickly and attack my legs, soaking up the sweet reverberating ache that accompanies every blow. I turn my fist to face me and send it flying into my eye socket, against my cheekbone, into my jaw. I strike my ear, sending my neck reeling. The resulting crack explodes my hearing into a resonant ringing. My mind quickly becomes infested with the incessant tone and a severe headache begins to settle. Silent tears of rage and anguish leak from my eyes. I lay completely still on the cool concrete floor, not daring to send a shock wave through my body to ripple the torment in my head. I murmur under my breath. Mommy, please help me. Make this pain go away, please. Mommy, it hurts so bad...Utter nonsense. I look wildly around the room, sweeping the minuscule space in one shake of the head. The movement sends a jolt of lightening through my brain. There is no one. There is only me and the pain. I put my head on the hard floor and close my eyes, acquiescing to the agony. I allow my mind to go blank with white light, accepting the torment as my reality. Waves of misery crash over me and lull me into a state of alternate being. I am not awake nor asleep, feeling but not conscious. I operate at the most primal level, absorbed in a world of excrutiating pain with no source or resolution. Number one-twenty-four, please confirm viability. I snap from my state to a groggy reality. Through the thick haze, the gray parameters of the room take a fuzzy focus. Number one-twenty-four...I raise my right hand toward the almighty voice. It cuts off mid-sentence and I am aware that I must have proven "viability." I become aware that my mind is clearer than before and I realize that I don't know whether I have been laying for moments or for hours. How many viability calls did I miss? I wonder what would happen had I not confirmed viability for my master. If I had remained unconscious through the call, would I not be considered viable? I stare at my master on the wall. Are YOU viable? I raise my voice. Are you viable? I stand up. Are you fucking viable? I continue staring, hands dropped limply at my sides. VIABLE? VIABLE? ARE YOU A-FUCKING-LIVE?!!! I compulsively break my small semblance of composure. Yes, I'm alive, I whisper. And then I scream.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Rhyme 10

I'm a failure and a fraud
A rather sorry sod
It's grim and I gripe
At this horrifying sight
My spine bends 'til it snaps
From my incessant lapse
To understand and know
Just how my life would go
The moments when I'm free
I get lost inside of me
And the times that I am bound
No solace can be found
I will never understand
Just how to play my hand
When my heart is on my sleeve
Laid out for all to see
There is no bitter end
Just the sweet love of a friend
Too bad you taste so good
I always knew you would
But temptation will not strike
When there isn't much to like

Rhyme 9

Same shit, different day
No one cares, go away
Nothing left for me to say
Left alone to melt in gray
Icy heart made to shatter
You once made it pitter-patter
Fall from the fucking ladder
Whatever, it doesn't matter
No one cares and no one will
So just throw it on the grill
Sick to the stomach with your pill
Never even got my fill
But I already won the game
Lost my mind, went insane
Ate away all the pain
You are the fucking bane

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Rhyme 8

Fuck it
I never said I'd try
It's been raining outside
And I'm losing my mind
Sit here and type
Don't believe the hype
Wish I could wipe
This from my memory
Whether just you or me
Or together as we
Just a little shy
And the question why
But I just sigh
Fuck it
While rain falls like tears
Looking at this whole year
Looks just like a spear
Shooting straight for me
I jump up in glee
And take it painfully
Never understood where
I would lose all my hair
While you just stare
As it falls out in clumps
All because of this slump
Why can't you just hump
Fuck it
You don't want me
I see that obviously
You don't try to be
But it's all okay
As we sit here today
Because we'll both play
For the position we're in
This way we'll both win
Have hearts made of tin
Until the night ends
And then we'll be friends
The feelings I'll spend
Fuck it

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Title 7

I would have done anything in the world for her, if she had only ever asked nicely.  I sigh, expelling the feeling from my body. My heart thumps rhythmically against my chest, the only indication that I'm actually alive. I close my eyes and imagine shrinking to a size that reflects my value as a being. I shrink until I'm merely a single particle, floating through the air with a million other lost souls. I roam the earth via airwaves until they carry me into the troposphere. From this vantage point, a breathtaking view of the universe is lain out before me. I watch in awe as a comet cascades across the infinite black expanse, gleaming brilliantly and leaving every star to wane in its path. My heart skips a beat. In a universe where love does not exist, where beings do not attract to one another, this light is the closest thing to what she once was to me. I eject from the troposphere, leaving behind all of the other empty anima. I tumble and twirl through the atmosphere until at last I rise into the great dark depths. It is mesmerizing. In the place between worlds, nothing and everything exists. I find my bearings and shoot after the beautiful beam. I race through the galaxy until suddenly the comet blazes past, inches from me, illuminating me with an invigorating heat. My heart falters. The comet's tail catches me and I am flying through the universe in its wake. The ride is thrilling, albeit turbulent. We zip around the earth and she glows and glimmers as we catch the moonlight. Suddenly she changes coarse, heading directly toward a massive black hole. We break the ominous barrier and go roaring into its depths. As quickly as the comet snatched me up, I am expelled from her tail. I try to orient myself. Once I do, I come to see where she has dropped me. Dozens of of dazzling comets fill my vision. Some are small and swift, others spark and sizzle, and still others glow in a range of beautiful pigments. Gazing at the intricate light show before me, I come to an understanding. My heart pitter-pats against my chest, reminding me that understanding means nothing in a world of fantasy. I open my eyes to reality and take a steadfast step forward.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Rhyme 7

Your heartbeat,
so sweet,
burned me with
its scorching heat.
Your sultry flame
drives me insane,
constrict my veins,
just to make
it wane.
Nothing left.
Lose my breath
to ensuing death
by overdose
of you, my meth.
my lovely mate.
In life, was fate,
slowly begins
to dissipate.
I would sooner
be evicted,
but you hold me,
the explicit.
It's illicit
that we should
miss it.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Title 6

Where is my mind? Eyes closed, I tumble disoriented through the darkness. It is a darkness I don't know. I grasp for your hand beside me. Wake me. Bring me back to reality. My fingers struggle to find your arm, your torso, any part of you at all. An icy strap cinches around my lungs and I sharply exhale a delicate frost. The snowy particles of breath glow against the sheer blackness. They disperse to sprinkle the dark with minute stars. I stare in awe while thousands of the flakes gently float toward one distinct point in the darkness. They fall like bricks, one on top of the other until they have all compressed to form one solid block of ice. Suddenly, a brilliant white light illuminates the black world from within the icy mass. My vision is shocked as it remains suspended in the blinding light. As quickly as the light appeared, it is extinguished. My shell shocked eyes plummet back into the opaque and the block of ice is still glowing before me. I step toward the ice, noticing a curious shadow deep in the core of the block. Wandering cautiously forward, a figure begins to take shape. Ten strides out, my heart drops to the floor. I freeze- meaning that I both instantly cease all movement and a frigid draft raises every hair on my body. My heart catches and lurches forward, racing at fifty times its normal pace. From within the icy rock the most beautiful, mesmerizing eyes gaze at me. In that moment, I consciously decide to give it all up. I will not seek my way from the blackness. The allure and intrigue of the incapsulated is overpowering. I concentrate my thoughts entirely on the block of ice, willing it to melt away. I strain every last neuron before I notice a small puddle forming at the base of the block. Instant ecstasy shoots through my body and the rush of adrenaline evokes an arctic surge as the block is immediately liquified. The glacial wave crashes over me, but the incandescent fire that illuminates my soul renders me immune to it. I step toward the figure in front of me, drawn in by some unknown force. This is my destiny. I stop, toe to toe, and peer into those steely blue eyes. Locked in this eternal gaze, we gradually move together. The moment our flesh meets, my icy heart shatters into a million pieces. 

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Rhyme 6

In my wine, I find
Reflections of that
That is on my mind
Forever and for always
I want to be with you
For all of our days
Until our skin starts to melt
Into waves of wisdom
Like my heart felt
When it melted for you
On that very first morning
When your sweet morning breath
Without any warning
Swirled clouds around me
I was in Heaven
Such glee, such harmony
And the alluring itch
In your warm green eyes
To touch, to kiss
You will be my demise
In the years to come
When our hair starts to gray
We'll know that we have won
That crown of silver
So I will take your hand
And come down with a shiver
Because on our first date
When you held my hand
Fate met its mate
Now I breathe you in
You're all the air I need
And I transcend your skin
Into your bloodstream
Floating through blood as red as wine
I look up from my glass
Into your face, so fine
Consume my wine
The dream is before me
Consume my mind
And let the fantasy be

TheHolyBookOLies (part 1)

There is someone right in front of me
Full of such true beauty
Someone I hoped not to feel for
But it's too late to close that door
She fills me with such desire
She is the fuel to light my fire
She will never see me in this way
So please just let me say
That you are so beautiful
And maybe this love could be whole.

You lied to me, I fell for you
You broke my heart; my love was true
I sit here now, in puddles of tears
Knowing you are all I have to fear
My heart wants you forever more
Please don't turn and walk out the door
Because if I ever meant anything to you
Then you know that this is true
Each step you take, I sit here crying
While inside I'm silently dying.

The feel of her embrace
A kiss that leaves a taste
Her smile and her eyes
You'd never make her cry
In this place where all your dreams come true
All you want is for her to love you

All her dearest are gone
Scared away by the blood
All the truths are left untold
Every lie will stay written on her face
Tears in her eyes, she wonders why
She walks to the door
Nothing to take, no one to tell
She doesn't look back
For the memories tear her apart
Her heart is torn
She stares at the scars on her flesh
She is broken
Not physically
But deep within the soul
The scars will always remind her
She pulls out her sole belonging
A blade
As the skin breaks, she sees blood
The same blood that left her alone
Tears stream down her cheeks
She puts the metal to her neck
She feels no pain as she falls to the ground
Tears in her bloodshot, brown eyes
Only moments later, she walks by
She sees the unknown body
And vomits in the gutter
Had she been seconds earlier
Her life would be spared
For this was her savior
The friend she never had

Colors swirl all around
Then slowly fade away
The pain begins to cease
Yet the blood continues pouring
There's no one left who cares
As darkness takes her over
The blood is changed
It's darker now
And death is in the air
No one sees her tenebrous nature
She always seemed so happy
And as she exsanguinates
She is malevolent toward those people
The ones who pinned her as cheery
Yet the one who truly killed her
She only wishes well
For she loves this one more than her life
And that is why she's dying
She gave up her life for love
Sad, but true
And no one is crying
Now the colors fade away
As love and mortality fail her

Why am I such a troubled chiled
You should just take a file
And file my face away
Erase me from today
Erase me from tomorrow
There will be no sorrow
Once I've disappeared
No longer one to fear
Love, lust
No one to trust
Messed up once
And now I'm done
Gone, goodbye
Because I wondered why
I'm such a troubled child
I've been here all the while
These feelings never fade
I just take it day by day
Maybe I should run away
Because this love is here to stay
I finally do something to be proud of
Yet I still stand here, misunderstood
I'll hide in my hood
Run away from my feelings
At least those that aren't healing
But the question lingers on my mind
I'm such a troubled child, why?
The times you deceive me the most
Are the times that I need you the most
I'm such a troubled child
And you are why I am so beguiled

The beauty that surrounds me is wonderful
The look in your eyes is beautiful
My heart has never felt this way before
I'm ready to spread my wings and soar
How can I show you
How can I tell you
How I'm feeling inside
You don't even know me
I'm invisible, but please see
In you I want to confide
The sweetest love of my life
I stare at you from from away
Try to think of what to say
You're all that I want to see
You're everything beautiful to me

With every word I say
I wish I could fade away
Take back what I said
I would rather be dead
I want to break down and cry
But can only manage a sigh
Why do I make it so tough
Always traveling through the rough
So beautiful that it's tragic
Now surrounded by this static
Seeing your flaws and falls
Makes me feel better, that's all
Everyone has a problem
Faces some kind of goblin
So bring me down
Bring me crashing to the ground
My wings refuse to open
In the turbulence, they were broken
Fly me up into the sky
Fly me up so high
They try to ground me so I'll fall
But then I hear the stars call
Whispering "the sky's the limit"
To unleash my sins, I'll admit it
But the sky is only the beginning
To my world free of sinning
My lies are truths, my truths are lies
I'm all wrong in their eyes
Just for someone to be proud of me
Love and support I so desperately need

Friday, February 4, 2011


Last night I found a notebook of mine from circa 2002-2003, when I was an angsty 13 year old. I kind of want to archive them because my script was straight up microscopic and I made the mistake of writing in pencil, so some of my earliest works are literally fading away before my eyes. I have to caution, they are bit ridiculous in that manic, emotional preteen sort of way. At times it seems humorous and at times it is miserable, but they were the foundation for my creative expression. I'm going to chronicle these works under the title "TheHolyBookOLies" because that's what I named my notebook back then (hahaha). For now, I'm off to relax and recuperate after a super fresh day snowboarding. Mountains were beautiful! Anyway, TheHolyBookOLies shall start up tomorrow :).