Rhyme 13

I am what I am

Nothing more, nothing less

Who can guess

Who I'll be in the morning

I am a shooting star

I fly far into the heavens

There was never

A time I wouldn't fly to you

I am a winter breeze

Across the seas and through the trees

Can't help but tease

Because my soul is made of ice

I am a candle's flame

Going insane with the heat

Watch me eat

Consume this god forsaken city

I am flesh and skin

Wearing thin, the barrier's breaking

As I'm waking

To the truth of reality

I am a little girl

Hair in curls and makeup on

Singing pop songs

In the backseat of my mama's car

I am piece of life

A simple slice of a larger pie

And when I die

I know the baker will be waiting

Rhyme 12

I will always miss
Stealing a kiss
The warmth of a hug
My vice and my drug
Will I ever be right?
It is not me tonight
Dreams did come true
But I lost them to you
Battled the rough
And I'm still not enough
Only a fraction or piece
So it must cease
Throw it into the void
Like I'm an old broken toy
While falling, I cry
It's all in your eyes
Because I'm still lost
In that iris that cost
My heart and my soul
For a love that's not whole
I wish I could see
When you were happy with me
But it couldn't last
And what's past is past
So in this dim light
I gaze at you tonight
And know that it's true
There's not a thing I can do

Rhyme 11

I never knew just how to view

The world as it surrounds me

I cannot see for the life of me

How I can survive

I don't belong, I'm not that strong

So many could do better

There's nothing left, only regret

And no one there to spare me

From my fate as I reach the gate

The flames there will consume me

They will melt all that I've felt

And the whole world will be free

I can never go back once I extract

My being from existence

But I will flow wherever you go

In spirit and in soul

And in lights so bright, you may catch sight

Of an iridescent glow

This is me, now I am free

And the world makes sense at last

Title 8

I scrape my nails belligerently against the murky slate walls. Every muscle from my fingertips to my forearms is flexed, in danger of snapping from the tension. I scream, raking blood crusted fingers through my hair and squeezing until it rips out in clumps. Soft white noise crackles out of the loudspeaker. Number one-twenty-four, this is your first and only warning. Please comply with Sanction six-sixty-two: absolutely NO unnecessary or excessive noise. I stare at the metal grating several feet up the wall. I stare at the box that has just scolded me. I stare at my master. I compress all of my tension into one solid fist. I take that fist and begin bashing it against every part of my body. I assault my other arm and my chest until I pound against my sternum, sharply banishing the breath from my lungs. I inhale too quickly and attack my legs, soaking up the sweet reverberating ache that accompanies every blow. I turn my fist to face me and send it flying into my eye socket, against my cheekbone, into my jaw. I strike my ear, sending my neck reeling. The resulting crack explodes my hearing into a resonant ringing. My mind quickly becomes infested with the incessant tone and a severe headache begins to settle. Silent tears of rage and anguish leak from my eyes. I lay completely still on the cool concrete floor, not daring to send a shock wave through my body to ripple the torment in my head. I murmur under my breath. Mommy, please help me. Make this pain go away, please. Mommy, it hurts so bad...Utter nonsense. I look wildly around the room, sweeping the minuscule space in one shake of the head. The movement sends a jolt of lightening through my brain. There is no one. There is only me and the pain. I put my head on the hard floor and close my eyes, acquiescing to the agony. I allow my mind to go blank with white light, accepting the torment as my reality. Waves of misery crash over me and lull me into a state of alternate being. I am not awake nor asleep, feeling but not conscious. I operate at the most primal level, absorbed in a world of excrutiating pain with no source or resolution. Number one-twenty-four, please confirm viability. I snap from my state to a groggy reality. Through the thick haze, the gray parameters of the room take a fuzzy focus. Number one-twenty-four...I raise my right hand toward the almighty voice. It cuts off mid-sentence and I am aware that I must have proven "viability." I become aware that my mind is clearer than before and I realize that I don't know whether I have been laying for moments or for hours. How many viability calls did I miss? I wonder what would happen had I not confirmed viability for my master. If I had remained unconscious through the call, would I not be considered viable? I stare at my master on the wall. Are YOU viable? I raise my voice. Are you viable? I stand up. Are you fucking viable? I continue staring, hands dropped limply at my sides. VIABLE? VIABLE? ARE YOU A-FUCKING-LIVE?!!! I compulsively break my small semblance of composure. Yes, I'm alive, I whisper. And then I scream.

Rhyme 10

I'm a failure and a fraud

A rather sorry sod

It's grim and I gripe

At this horrifying sight

My spine bends 'til it snaps

From my incessant lapse

To understand and know

Just how my life would go

The moments when I'm free

I get lost inside of me

And the times that I am bound

No solace can be found

I will never understand

Just how to play my hand

When my heart is on my sleeve

Laid out for all to see

There is no bitter end

Just the sweet love of a friend

Too bad you taste so good

I always knew you would

But temptation will not strike

When there isn't much to like

Rhyme 9

Same shit, different day
No one cares, go away
Nothing left for me to say
Left alone to melt in gray
Icy heart made to shatter
You once made it pitter-patter
Fall from the fucking ladder
Whatever, it doesn't matter
No one cares and no one will
So just throw it on the grill
Sick to the stomach with your pill
Never even got my fill
But I already won the game
Lost my mind, went insane
Ate away all the pain
You are the fucking bane

Rhyme 8

Fuck it
I never said I'd try
It's been raining outside
And I'm losing my mind
Sit here and type
Don't believe the hype
Wish I could wipe
This from my memory
Whether just you or me
Or together as we
Just a little shy
And the question why
But I just sigh
Fuck it
While rain falls like tears
Looking at this whole year
Looks just like a spear
Shooting straight for me
I jump up in glee
And take it painfully
Never understood where
I would lose all my hair
While you just stare
As it falls out in clumps
All because of this slump
Why can't you just hump
Fuck it
You don't want me
I see that obviously
You don't try to be
But it's all okay
As we sit here today
Because we'll both play
For the position we're in
This way we'll both win
Have hearts made of tin
Until the night ends
And then we'll be friends
The feelings I'll spend
Fuck it

Title 7

I would have done anything in the world for her, if she had only ever asked nicely.  I sigh, expelling the feeling from my body. My heart thumps rhythmically against my chest, the only indication that I'm actually alive. I close my eyes and imagine shrinking to a size that reflects my value as a being. I shrink until I'm merely a single particle, floating through the air with a million other lost souls. I roam the earth via airwaves until they carry me into the troposphere. From this vantage point, a breathtaking view of the universe is lain out before me. I watch in awe as a comet cascades across the infinite black expanse, gleaming brilliantly and leaving every star to wane in its path. My heart skips a beat. In a universe where love does not exist, where beings do not attract to one another, this light is the closest thing to what she once was to me. I eject from the troposphere, leaving behind all of the other empty anima. I tumble and twirl through the atmosphere until at last I rise into the great dark depths. It is mesmerizing. In the place between worlds, nothing and everything exists. I find my bearings and shoot after the beautiful beam. I race through the galaxy until suddenly the comet blazes past, inches from me, illuminating me with an invigorating heat. My heart falters. The comet's tail catches me and I am flying through the universe in its wake. The ride is thrilling, albeit turbulent. We zip around the earth and she glows and glimmers as we catch the moonlight. Suddenly she changes coarse, heading directly toward a massive black hole. We break the ominous barrier and go roaring into its depths. As quickly as the comet snatched me up, I am expelled from her tail. I try to orient myself. Once I do, I come to see where she has dropped me. Dozens of of dazzling comets fill my vision. Some are small and swift, others spark and sizzle, and still others glow in a range of beautiful pigments. Gazing at the intricate light show before me, I come to an understanding. My heart pitter-pats against my chest, reminding me that understanding means nothing in a world of fantasy. I open my eyes to reality and take a steadfast step forward.

Rhyme 7

Defeat.
Your heartbeat,
so sweet,
burned me with
its scorching heat.
Your sultry flame
drives me insane,
constrict my veins,
just to make
it wane.
Nothing left.
Lose my breath
to ensuing death
by overdose
of you, my meth.
Illuminate
my lovely mate.
In life, was fate,
slowly begins
to dissipate.
Constricted.
Conflicted.
I would sooner
be evicted,
but you hold me,
convicted. 
Implicit
the explicit.
It's illicit
that we should
miss it.

Title 6

Where is my mind? Eyes closed, I tumble disoriented through the darkness. It is a darkness I don't know. I grasp for your hand beside me. Wake me. Bring me back to reality. My fingers struggle to find your arm, your torso, any part of you at all. An icy strap cinches around my lungs and I sharply exhale a delicate frost. The snowy particles of breath glow against the sheer blackness. They disperse to sprinkle the dark with minute stars. I stare in awe while thousands of the flakes gently float toward one distinct point in the darkness. They fall like bricks, one on top of the other until they have all compressed to form one solid block of ice. Suddenly, a brilliant white light illuminates the black world from within the icy mass. My vision is shocked as it remains suspended in the blinding light. As quickly as the light appeared, it is extinguished. My shell shocked eyes plummet back into the opaque and the block of ice is still glowing before me. I step toward the ice, noticing a curious shadow deep in the core of the block. Wandering cautiously forward, a figure begins to take shape. Ten strides out, my heart drops to the floor. I freeze- meaning that I both instantly cease all movement and a frigid draft raises every hair on my body. My heart catches and lurches forward, racing at fifty times its normal pace. From within the icy rock the most beautiful, mesmerizing eyes gaze at me. In that moment, I consciously decide to give it all up. I will not seek my way from the blackness. The allure and intrigue of the incapsulated is overpowering. I concentrate my thoughts entirely on the block of ice, willing it to melt away. I strain every last neuron before I notice a small puddle forming at the base of the block. Instant ecstasy shoots through my body and the rush of adrenaline evokes an arctic surge as the block is immediately liquified. The glacial wave crashes over me, but the incandescent fire that illuminates my soul renders me immune to it. I step toward the figure in front of me, drawn in by some unknown force. This is my destiny. I stop, toe to toe, and peer into those steely blue eyes. Locked in this eternal gaze, we gradually move together. The moment our flesh meets, my icy heart shatters into a million pieces. 

Rhyme 6

In my wine, I find
Reflections of that
That is on my mind
Forever and for always
I want to be with you
For all of our days
Until our skin starts to melt
Into waves of wisdom
Like my heart felt
When it melted for you
On that very first morning
When your sweet morning breath
Without any warning
Swirled clouds around me
I was in Heaven
Such glee, such harmony
And the alluring itch
In your warm green eyes
To touch, to kiss
You will be my demise
In the years to come
When our hair starts to gray
We'll know that we have won
That crown of silver
So I will take your hand
And come down with a shiver
Because on our first date
When you held my hand
Fate met its mate
Now I breathe you in
You're all the air I need
And I transcend your skin
Into your bloodstream
Floating through blood as red as wine
I look up from my glass
Into your face, so fine
Consume my wine
The dream is before me
Consume my mind
And let the fantasy be

TheHolyBookOLies (part 1)

There is someone right in front of me

Full of such true beauty

Someone I hoped not to feel for

But it's too late to close that door

She fills me with such desire

She is the fuel to light my fire

She will never see me in this way

So please just let me say

That you are so beautiful

And maybe this love could be whole.

--

You lied to me, I fell for you

You broke my heart; my love was true

I sit here now, in puddles of tears

Knowing you are all I have to fear

My heart wants you forever more

Please don't turn and walk out the door

Because if I ever meant anything to you

Then you know that this is true

Each step you take, I sit here crying

While inside I'm silently dying.

--

The feel of her embrace

A kiss that leaves a taste

Her smile and her eyes

You'd never make her cry

In this place where all your dreams come true

All you want is for her to love you

--

All her dearest are gone

Scared away by the blood

All the truths are left untold

Every lie will stay written on her face

Tears in her eyes, she wonders why

She walks to the door

Nothing to take, no one to tell

She doesn't look back

For the memories tear her apart

Her heart is torn

She stares at the scars on her flesh

She is broken

Not physically

But deep within the soul

The scars will always remind her

She pulls out her sole belonging

A blade

As the skin breaks, she sees blood

The same blood that left her alone

Tears stream down her cheeks

She puts the metal to her neck

She feels no pain as she falls to the ground

Tears in her bloodshot, brown eyes

Only moments later, she walks by

She sees the unknown body

And vomits in the gutter

Had she been seconds earlier

Her life would be spared

For this was her savior

The friend she never had

--

Colors swirl all around

Then slowly fade away

The pain begins to cease

Yet the blood continues pouring

There's no one left who cares

As darkness takes her over

The blood is changed

It's darker now

And death is in the air

No one sees her tenebrous nature

She always seemed so happy

And as she exsanguinates

She is malevolent toward those people

The ones who pinned her as cheery

Yet the one who truly killed her

She only wishes well

For she loves this one more than her life

And that is why she's dying

She gave up her life for love

Sad, but true

And no one is crying

Now the colors fade away

As love and mortality fail her

--

Why am I such a troubled chiled

You should just take a file

And file my face away

Erase me from today

Erase me from tomorrow

There will be no sorrow

Once I've disappeared

No longer one to fear

Love, lust

No one to trust

Messed up once

And now I'm done

Gone, goodbye

Because I wondered why

I'm such a troubled child

I've been here all the while

These feelings never fade

I just take it day by day

Maybe I should run away

Because this love is here to stay

I finally do something to be proud of

Yet I still stand here, misunderstood

I'll hide in my hood

Run away from my feelings

At least those that aren't healing

But the question lingers on my mind

I'm such a troubled child, why?

The times you deceive me the most

Are the times that I need you the most

I'm such a troubled child

And you are why I am so beguiled

--

The beauty that surrounds me is wonderful

The look in your eyes is beautiful

My heart has never felt this way before

I'm ready to spread my wings and soar

How can I show you

How can I tell you

How I'm feeling inside

You don't even know me

I'm invisible, but please see

In you I want to confide

The sweetest love of my life

I stare at you from from away

Try to think of what to say

You're all that I want to see

You're everything beautiful to me

--

With every word I say

I wish I could fade away

Take back what I said

I would rather be dead

I want to break down and cry

But can only manage a sigh

Why do I make it so tough

Always traveling through the rough

So beautiful that it's tragic

Now surrounded by this static

Seeing your flaws and falls

Makes me feel better, that's all

Everyone has a problem

Faces some kind of goblin

So bring me down

Bring me crashing to the ground

My wings refuse to open

In the turbulence, they were broken

Fly me up into the sky

Fly me up so high

They try to ground me so I'll fall

But then I hear the stars call

Whispering "the sky's the limit"

To unleash my sins, I'll admit it

But the sky is only the beginning

To my world free of sinning

My lies are truths, my truths are lies

I'm all wrong in their eyes

Just for someone to be proud of me

Love and support I so desperately need

TheHolyBookOLies

Last night I found a notebook of mine from circa 2002-2003, when I was an angsty 13 year old. I kind of want to archive them because my script was straight up microscopic and I made the mistake of writing in pencil, so some of my earliest works are literally fading away before my eyes. I have to caution, they are bit ridiculous in that manic, emotional preteen sort of way. At times it seems humorous and at times it is miserable, but they were the foundation for my creative expression. I'm going to chronicle these works under the title "TheHolyBookOLies" because that's what I named my notebook back then (hahaha). For now, I'm off to relax and recuperate after a super fresh day snowboarding. Mountains were beautiful! Anyway, TheHolyBookOLies shall start up tomorrow :).